Not so straight from the ATL, mixing one electric personality with a dash of humorous wit commenting on life, the universe, and everything.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Lost and Confused

So I lied. Things haven't been all that well with the BF. I just couldn't really talk about them. I think that we have agreed not to see each other for now. It's my fault. I'm the one that decided this. He's great...and I'm very very sad right now...I just feel that building a relationship isn't a priority for me right now and I feel that is the road he wants to be on.

Part of me just wants to pick up the phone and say "I'm sorry, come back" but is that the lonely boy inside or the true self? None of us want to hurt someone, but there is a point where continuing a relationship just to continue it is worse than breaking up. I believe that to be lying. I think personally that I am psychotic because he is pretty amazing. I think me getting sick for a whole month is part of this distance that I created. I think that certain issues (that were clearly resolved) had really put a certain distance between us that I don't know why they still sneak into my head like small demons. I'm a fool.

Maybe I'm one of those people that will be alone. I don't mind being alone and I enjoy being alone. When I'm around people too much, it stresses me out. People would laugh at that because I am viewed as being very social and outgoing. But it's very true.

I worry that I made (am making) a big mistake...but I need time to sort out how I feel. Is that fair? Shouldn't I know after three months? Isn't there a timetable out there I can reference? :) I guess not, huh? That really really sucks.

I had originally worried that purchasing a house AND getting a boyfriend would be too much for me to handle at the same time. I thought I could handle it and be happy. I'm not so sure now. Perhaps if the timing were different, I would feel differently. That's why we didn't continue dating the first time (but it was his timing last time). But the journey IS the journey...and sometimes...where you are on the paths just sucks.

I need some ice cream and a good cry.


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