Not so straight from the ATL, mixing one electric personality with a dash of humorous wit commenting on life, the universe, and everything.

Monday, November 22, 2004

Confessions of a Middle Aged Drama Queen

Well...actually not a Drama Queen by intent...but I seem to do that to my life sometimes...and this is one of them.

So the BF(?) and I are in relationship limboland. After I broke things off (for a whole 8 hours) a good bit of the "spark" went out of our relationship and fairly steadily continued burning into a silent ember as time passed. The relationship dwindled like it did with my ex from college "John-John". We tried to keep things burning after they were gone then too. It's funny how we hold onto ethereal things tighter than the physical. All the time fooling ourselves in many ways. We each have our own sexual "needs" that hasn't resolved itself by now. I'm too cautious and he's too liberal. It's almost a comedy in itself I guess looking back on it. Maybe someday I can write about it.

And so I confronted him last night and after an emotional discussion we decided to take some time apart to see if there really is anything there. I was told in no certain words, that though we are not looking, if I met someone that I felt I needed to go on a date with, to do so. Right now I don't think I even have that desire. Just give me my right hand and some lube and I can take care of all the desires I have right now. :) (well...besides the desire for a piece of chocolate...need more than lube for that!)

I'm not sure where I am...where he is...where WE are. I think I broke things to an unrepairable state when I had that minor "episode" as we call it.

I found a song by Maria Mena called "Fragile (Free)" that I really feel expresses how I feel right now:

I've been walking around all day thinking

I think I have a problem, I think I think too much
I've been taught to hold back my tears and avoid them
but you've made pain into something I could touch

I've been walking around all day laughing
Think I'd be better off without you here
And I bet you're sweet and hard to get over
So I'll cry and people will stop and stare
Now that's ok, let them stop and stare

Cause I am fragile
I am hopeless
I'm not perfect
But I am free

I've been walking around all day waiting
And waiting is all I seem to do
Cause I never get it unless I'm fed it
But this time I'll just have to
Yeah, this time I'll just have to

And I'm fragile
I am hopeless
I'm not perfect
But I am free
We had tentative plans for Thanksgiving...but I think in light of recent events...that's just not in the cards. I need my own time now I guess.

I told him before he left that no matter what I would always be his friend and the he would never be alone as long as I'm breathing.

We'll see...but I fear that the moment is gone and the lessons have been learned.

So think of me...wish me strength...and like the wheel...things WILL turn around. The path continues...


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