Sick.

I feel really sick today. I just want to throw up. David was pretty harsh to me yesterday, but I don't hate him for that. He's hurting just like I am. But I mean, who really wants perceived flaws pointed out to them? Although I really tried to listen to his complaints about some of my actions and tried to make adjustments.

I feel really empty today. I guess that's just me shutting down for a "reboot". Last time it took me two months. Tuesday, when Mom heads back home I think I am going to buy myself Final Fantasy XII (which I had been holding off on because I know that was one of the things David wanted to get me for Christmas). Maybe a little escape for awhile will be a good thing.

I'm really worried about him. I still love him...I probably always will. I am definitely DEFINITELY not going to be chasing anyone anytime soon. I'm too broken right now to be useful to anyone.

Update:

I think I just did the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. I told him I needed some space. I need some time to stabilize. I think he needs some time to stabilize. He told me when we were first going out that the time probably wasn't right to start a new relationship but I told him we would work through that. In the end I think he was right, unfortunately. He told me he doesn't believe there ever is a "right time" to start a relationship, but I think after this, he's wrong. I want to think that we might get back together at some point in the future whenever we're both a little more grounded. Stupid me huh? I want to see him happy and successful. I really do. But I can't do it for him. I can't push him to do what is needed to make that happen. I found out that only created additional conflict.

I told my friend Kyle (who will give it to me straight up when I'm wrong..I've known him the longest...our friendship is a really really funny story I don't remember if I covered before) that it really really sucks when the person you love wants to be with you, but it's still just not right. He told me he's sure that I made more than my share of mistakes (he knows me too well...that bitch ;) I told him I was accused of being selfish, which granted I definitely believe I can be, but Kyle said that really wouldn't be a word he would use to describe me. "Demanding perhaps...", he said. But I told him, "I never expect anything from anyone that I don't expect from myself" and he laughed and said, "Yeah, but you expect a hell of a lot from yourself. You've always been an overachiever and responsible almost to a fault." Maybe...but that's who I am. I have built what I perceive to be a pretty damn successful life. Kyle told me that he's seen me in love before (in college with my BF of 2 years) and that I tend to put myself on the back burner (which I did then and made the choice to do so again).

I feel I have sacrificed myself to a really uncomfortable point and I think my relationship paid the price of that one. It kind of built up over time and Mt. Vesuvius blew. I tried to communicate that escalating problem...or at least I'd like to believe I tried. I'm the first to admit, sometimes I'm not the best communicator (sometimes because I buried those feelings in the hope that things just improve magically...hoooo is that ever futile).

And I still feel like I want to throw up.