Not so straight from the ATL, mixing one electric personality with a dash of humorous wit commenting on life, the universe, and everything.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Anxiety and Faith

So I am going to put this post into a "storage tank" and post it later because I don't want Sean to see it at this point in time, but I think its important enough to write down something.

So Sean and I have been living together for about like 2 months now. Having come back from a dinner with his ex, he proceeds to lay everything on the line...and most of it wasn't good.

I mean...when someone starts having an emotional moment, telling you that "I feel that I have no choice in this relationship since I am living with you. " and "you have been so good to me." punctuated with "I'm afraid to be alone." and that "I'm sorry."

...that's pretty much break-up language.

One of my friends who recently met him said that he does seem to want "to play". That's not where I am at right now. I've been there, done that. It's fun, but at the end of the day, I want something more. I guess that what I had originally feared about getting involved with Sean is coming to pass.

No matter which way I look at it...I am the "rebound boy".

Its not the fact that he wants to move out...its everything else that came out of his mouth that is bothering me. Part of me understands completely, but the other half is like, "umm...isn't this a step back?" and I view it as simply a delay in the choice that he doesn't want a relationship right now. He wants to play.

His having been in a somewhat oppressive relationship I can hardly blame him.

So I feel closed off. I feel like I am living in a limbo state. I can't move into this relationship further because I have extreme doubt. I want someone to want to be with me...not feel guilty because they don't want it. That will only end up hurting both of us in the long run.

Songs have always said that if you love someone, you should set them free. If they come back...then that's what was supposed to happen. But I think at this point...if I let go...there's no going back because I will have closed that door because the choice was can't unmake a decision like that.

And now I know he is moving out. He just called looking at a place. I guess the decision has really been made. Now its up to me to see how I can deal with it...


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