Confessions of a Middle Aged Drama Queen

Well...actually not a Drama Queen by intent...but I seem to do that to my life sometimes...and this is one of them.

So the BF(?) and I are in relationship limboland. After I broke things off (for a whole 8 hours) a good bit of the "spark" went out of our relationship and fairly steadily continued burning into a silent ember as time passed. The relationship dwindled like it did with my ex from college "John-John". We tried to keep things burning after they were gone then too. It's funny how we hold onto ethereal things tighter than the physical. All the time fooling ourselves in many ways. We each have our own sexual "needs" that hasn't resolved itself by now. I'm too cautious and he's too liberal. It's almost a comedy in itself I guess looking back on it. Maybe someday I can write about it.

And so I confronted him last night and after an emotional discussion we decided to take some time apart to see if there really is anything there. I was told in no certain words, that though we are not looking, if I met someone that I felt I needed to go on a date with, to do so. Right now I don't think I even have that desire. Just give me my right hand and some lube and I can take care of all the desires I have right now. :) (well...besides the desire for a piece of chocolate...need more than lube for that!)

I'm not sure where I am...where he is...where WE are. I think I broke things to an unrepairable state when I had that minor "episode" as we call it.

I found a song by Maria Mena called "Fragile (Free)" that I really feel expresses how I feel right now:

I've been walking around all day thinking

I think I have a problem, I think I think too much

I've been taught to hold back my tears and avoid them

but you've made pain into something I could touch



I've been walking around all day laughing

Think I'd be better off without you here

And I bet you're sweet and hard to get over

So I'll cry and people will stop and stare

Now that's ok, let them stop and stare



Cause I am fragile

I am hopeless

I'm not perfect

But I am free



I've been walking around all day waiting

And waiting is all I seem to do

Cause I never get it unless I'm fed it

But this time I'll just have to

Yeah, this time I'll just have to



And I'm fragile

I am hopeless

I'm not perfect

But I am free

We had tentative plans for Thanksgiving...but I think in light of recent events...that's just not in the cards. I need my own time now I guess.

I told him before he left that no matter what I would always be his friend and the he would never be alone as long as I'm breathing.

We'll see...but I fear that the moment is gone and the lessons have been learned.

So think of me...wish me strength...and like the wheel...things WILL turn around. The path continues...

Ping-Pong!

So we are BACK together after he broke it off with me. Said he was miserable without me and not eating. I could hardly let him starve so I agreed to date him again ;) Just kidding. I think if anything, our break-ups have evened out and put our relationship onto an even keel.

He said that the only time he gets "into my head" is when he reads my site...but I think that's unfair. I try to talk to him, perhaps it just comes across differently written down into a coherent thought rather than in bits and pieces during the course of our normal conversations.

BUT...for now and the forseeable future we are OK :) This is definitely the last time we are breaking up. If it happens again, we agreed that we just needs to transition our relationship into a "very close friends" style.

But life is good. I only have to work 2.5 days this week and the first one is halfway over already! I took a half-day on Wednesday so I can run around to Home Depot and Lowe's and get all the fixins for my major attack on my bathrooms. I have been preparing the half-bath over the past three days and have 95% of the wallpaper off! What a bitch it was! The wallpaper, having two layers (one vinyl layer and one glue paper layer) took basically two passes with the steam cleaner.

I should be posting some pictures of my work online so ya'll can see the creativity that is "Neon" as it progresses. It'll make the actual accomplishment more evident as I go through this.

I am torn between a comic book theme or a general science-fiction theme. If I go comic book, I have plenty of old comics I can tear up for accent stuff but if I go with general science-fiction it could be a room (small as it is) for displaying all my autographs from science fiction stars I have...it's my own "Indecision 2004"!

Other than that, life has settled back into a stable state. I need to get off my ass and find some livingroom furniture. The BF complained about it last night but he has no "real" furniture either so I told him to "zip it" :)

With the holidays starting, I have a feeling I'm going to be busy this year. This will be the first year I spend Christmas by myself (or with Jimmy if we make it that long LOL) as my family will be spending it with the in-laws. I'm actually looking forward to a little peace and quiet and some serious time to spend with City of Heroes (when I'm not with the BF). I'm paying for it and have had little time to play lately...:(