New Years Eve 2007

It's the end of one year and the beginning of another. Time to look back at where we have been as well as forward to where we want to go.

Went out on Saturday to Wild Mustang and what sucks the most is that I keep seeing people that I haven't seen in awhile and they always ask where my boyfriend is. Its like my heart breaking all over again and I have to explain that he broke up with me. When they inevitably ask "Why?" I just shrug and force a smile and say that he felt he needed something else. I do take console in the fact that they always say, "Well he's stupid" :) I just shake my head, wink, and say, "No...just confused."

Went on a date last night with a really nice, cute guy. But yet again, I am forcing myself somewhere I am not ready for. Its wrong to be with someone and wish they were someone else. I did tell him I was in a "weird place" and he said he understood and wouldn't force anything.

After my date, my best friend from college, Kyle, called and we had a LONG conversation about how I'm feeling and where I am at. He has a lot of wisdom...much of it just really hard to swallow LOL :) Basically Kyle told me that things would work out one way or another and to just give it time. Um...hello! Mr. Impatient here! :) I'm trying though.

This morning, As I drove up to take the dog to the eye vet, the world around me was thickly covered in fog. That's exactly how I feel right now. I can't see beyond maybe five feet in front of my face. This song came on the radio and it pretty much expresses how I feel.

I'm hoping for better days.





The message of this song really strikes a chord in me. I think it will be my theme song for 2008.

May all of you find "Better Days" this year! Each one is a gift and we are all here together. Try to find something you can do each day to make a "Better Day" for someone else, whether it be a small act or a big one, whether you know this person or not. Sometimes the smallest acts of kindness, have the most profound effects.

Have I mentioned...

...that breaking up is the BEST appetite suppressant EVER? :)

Thought this was too pretty not to share...

This song is set to scenes of one of the BEST game series ever, "Kingdom Hearts". If you haven't heard of it...it IS one of the pinnacles of storytelling (and I would be in the know).



And that song inspired me to get the heck out of the house and get my dance on to bring up my spirits:


Later that night...

So I went to "Wild Mustang" at around 10:30 and it was not busy at all but had enough people that I did dance all night. The director of dance, Lee Fox, from IAGLCWDC was there whom I hadn't seen in quite some time. He told me I should "come back to the fold" as it were and attend more conventions again. I do miss that crowd as they were always very welcoming and friendly. For quite some time they were almost like family...but then I moved on to softball and that was pretty much it for me for the country-western circuit.

I tried this new whiskey called...dammit I can't remember! I guess I'll have to write it down. Anyway, an old dancing buddy, Channing and I commiserated the loss of our boyfriends over a good drink and a few two-steps. His, after four years, so I imagine its harder than my situation. On my way out I saw the guy who kind of precipitated Sean's and my breakup so I did the hardest thing I think I have done and went over to thank him for looking out for me. He said he was sorry and didn't want to cause drama and I told him it was fine and smiled and gave him a big hug.

I left the bar about 12:30, not heading over to the Heretic (a dance bar) for fear of seeing the ex :) (am I a wussy or what?) and the nicest thing happened. This handsome guy, Greg, who I had danced with once earlier in the night followed me out and complimented me on my dancing. I smiled big and we chatted for a minute and then he told me that he thought I had a fantastic physique and told me to save him a dance again. He was the fourth guy that night to tell me that (and on a day when I was feeling a bit "blah")...and that just put a smile in my heart for a bit.

Still foolishly hoping for Sean to wake up. Unfortunately, I heard some stuff through the grapevine so that's probably about the stupidest thing to hope for.

And the horoscope appears right...AGAIN

"Trust your instincts today when it comes to doing what makes the most sense, even if it is counter to your logical process. You are receiving instructions from deep within your psyche. It's not important that you understand the reasons for your current actions. For now, just follow your hunches and then talk about it tomorrow."

How funny is it that I come home from an evening with friends at Blake's (a bar) thinking "I am just not ready for this" to see the above horoscope?

I think I am trying to rush the pain of this past breakup away and its just not working like I wish it would.

I feel like I should take a break for awhile. Hermit myself away and do some of the things I have been promising myself I would do, like fixing the attic entry board, studying Japanese, and doing more sit ups and push ups. :)

I'm really tired and a bit drunk, which always seems to lead me to melancholy.

Happy Festivus, Everyone

I swear I think I've listened to this song about 1,000 times.

Dreaming with a Broken Heart

Well, after accepting that Sean and I weren't getting back together, I decided to call and get his answer as he was "thinking things over". He hadn't called or txt'd or anything so that was a good indication and prepared me for the worst.

So, in the end of it, he's not ready to be in a serious relationship. I did make him promise, however, that when he "gets his shit together" to call me. For now, I can only really hope that someday, he will.



I guess I really was the "rebound boy" that I always was afraid I would be.

Right guy...wrong time...

My Pisces Horoscope for Dec 17th, 2007

You are being pulled backward into the past, while simultaneously being drawn into your future. Weird energies floating around you now can add stress, but the excitement is at a high level. Don't try to avoid the tension. The best chance you have to resolve a problem is to move directly toward its center.

How's THAT for scary accurate?

Berlin: Folsom Festival

So. First off, I would like to thank those of you who have sent me wishes for better times and sharing your stories and your strength, both those who are in my life as well as those of you whom I have never met. I'm far from OK, but...well...just thanks. Its funny how I go from sad to angry and back again. I wish I could push my feelings away, but they're still there...hoping. And then I look in the mirror and ask myself: "How stupid are you?" and shake my head and push those Piscean dreams away.



BUT, onto more pleasant memories.

So I promised a few stories from Folsom Europe. I remember going to the street festival on Saturday morning. The sun was out, but my gosh it was cold. And of course, Sean was the first one to take his shirt off (him being the attention whore that he is...but I have no room to talk huh? LOL)

As we weaved through the crowd, I definitely took a number of great photos. We met "Mr. World Leather", Mufausa:



And there were a number of other interesting things to see...



as the day wore on. I did learn that the HARD CORE leather scene...well...its not MY scene. But we did have a very enjoyable day and we met a couple of guys, Sandy and Tony, whom I am still in contact with today and I hope will remain good friends.

If you like, you can see the full gallery:

Folsom Europe 2007

I think the gallery will speak more to THAT adventure than meager words. But the next great adventure, Prague, was right around the corner...

Before I continue my recollections...

I guess I should go ahead and get this post over with. Sean broke up with me last Saturday.

Its easy to say that I'm pretty much devastated. As I write this, I don't think I've ever felt so broken in my entire life. And funny enough, in my case, broken is more like numb.


I don't want to go into details as to the how or why but I think that saying "they always think the grass is greener" should suffice as an explanation.

I've been avoiding this post because if I put it down in words, it makes it more real than I want it to be. I have daydreamed that I'll come home and we'd have a movie moment and get back together, but that's probably about the most laughable thing right now.

I don't think I could trust him to know himself right now anyway.

I remember the night it happened, staring at my neon clock (literally) for hours and one phrase kind of rolled around my head the whole time, "Silence is the sound of my heart breaking".

I hear rumors that "Time heals all wounds". I am pretty sure in this case, I'm going to have one hell of a scar running across mine.

But don't fret. I haven't told all of my misadventures in Europe yet so give me a little time and I will have a number of good memories to share!

Europe 2007 (Part I)

Before I go into recent events, I figured it might help me to go through a number stories from Sean and my trip to Europe.

"Picture it, Sicily, 1955"...no wait, that's Estelle Getty's character's lines! But what a good place to start! "Picture it...Berlin, 2007"...

...and I arrive to meet Sean's friend Ulrike (whom I had never met except for a few messages over AIM). Thankfully, after a seriously long flight (in which I was actually able to huddle by myself in two seats and doze most of the way), we had time before Sean landed and I took a much needed flop onto the bed for an hour nap.

We scoot back to the airport in time to wave frantically at Sean as he exited the area where you debark from the plane. Unfortunately...we had been waving him to STOP...but alas...he just thought we were happy to see him (which was also true). You see...the baggage claim is right when you land...you don't have to travel 14 miles like you do at airports in the U.S. So...we had to wait until it cleared customs (once you exit that area...you don't get back in) and ended up in a shack just outside the terminal (which took about an hour).

Once all that hullaballo was over, we went back to Ulrike's and had a beer at her brothers pub (which was conveniently located across the street from her apartment). As you might can see from this picture, there is a model train on the ceiling!



The next day we were schedule to go on a tour with other guys who were attending a Leather and Fetish festival called "Folsom Europe". Berlin is a walking/public transit system so once we got off the tram, we had a small hike to find the hotel where the tour bus was departing from. I asked "so...how will we know where we get on this bus?" and as I emerged from the leaves of the trees planted in the median we had to pass through, I heard him say, "Oh...we'll know" and he started laughing.

Across the street, loading into a tour bus, was about 100 guys fully decked out in leather regalia whereas Sean and I...well, we were wearing something apparently, a little less normal for this crowd (which means jeans and a polo LOL).



The tour went quite well and we were carted all over Berlin and learned and saw many interesting points of its history that we, later, were to revisit again (like "Checkpoint Charlie").



Our next big trip was to see the German Parliament house which has an incredible architectural feature, the domed mirror. After queuing for about 30 minutes (that's what they say over the big sea..."queue") we made our way inside to one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen...



What it represents is that when you are down in the parliament house and you look up...the mirrors show you exactly who you are working FOR. I think we need one of these in our Senate and House since what I know of politicians...they mostly just work for themselves.

We did manage to get to a few bars in Berlin and see (really...just seeing is enough) what goes on in those backrooms...

And then...we were off to the actual "Folsom Europe 2007" event...and I'll talk about that on my next update!

Update soon, I promise

I had things sorted out (I thought) but right now just isn't the time for me to write anything new. I do have some exciting memories and adventures to share so stay tuned (if people are still reading this).