Everything old is new again :)

So...I am a lesbian! Yeah...that's right...we're BACK together once again. I have my reasons for giving it one more last try and the most important one is that if I don't try...I'll never know. It's late and I'm tired, but I'll try and drop a line in explaining parts of my recent revelations and decisions.

Tomorrow will be my annual "New Years Eve" post...I'll have to review my resolutions again and see what I said last year and give a full report.

Just because a rose died on the vine...

So I am taking tomorrow off. After three full days of meetings, I am fried.

Today, upong returning home from the gym I turned on my TiVo and watched "Huff" which is this show on Showtime that I really like.

Through the course of the show three things of this particular episode struck a chord of empathy within me that stung my soul.

The first was a line "Just because a rose died on the vine, doesn't mean it lied to you when it was in bloom" which was advice offered in reference to a relationship that for one reason or another didn't work out. Made me feel very melancholy about my own failed relationships (of which I was generally the culprit in their failure).

The second line was something like, "Why can't we just learn to love and to accept the love of others?" Sounds fairly simply stated doesn't it? I thought it was kind of eloquently put in this particular scene. I wonder if I'll ever be able to do that. Sure...you might say "of course you will!" but I don't think anything is a guarantee especially when it comes to things we need to learn on the inside. Facts and figures, numbers and shapes come easily to us humans. But when it comes to the more abstract, some of us are more at a loss than others. In a way I am envious of those people because I wonder if I am just not "made" that way. I worry that at my core...I will never have that. But at least in knowing, I think maybe there's hope.

The third thing in this episode that struck me is when the mother, who hadn't seen her institutionalized son in forever said, "You are so beautiful. I didn't know what to expect but you are so beautiful and I am afraid to get near you for fear of hurting you any more". I kind of feel that way with the ex. I know that at my core there are bits and pieces of feelings there and that it hurts in a way to be near him. I think that's perhaps whey I am very stand-off-ish (word?) when we speak on the phone and I'm sure he'll view me as being a freaking jerk when I see him in person again because I will have to shut down.

The fact that I can shut down kind of scares me. I retreat into myself, wrap up in emptiness. Not very healthy huh? I think it's something we all do...I have just perfected it! LOL :)

On an upnote, whilst shopping at Target (my fav) someone asked me "Are you Digital Cowboy? I really like your website". I was surprised and a bit flattered that anyone would actually remember me well enough from this website. It put a big smile on my face and a pep in my step for a little while :)

I recieved my new robe in the mail today. A bit dorky, but I like it :) It's warm, and comfortable and makes me feel like a superhero! LOL :)

I'm as tired as an eighteen wheeler!

OMFG I am tired. After three whole days at work discussing one of my projects (that is 8 hours a day for three days) I am back in my office and just about falling asleep.

Zzz...up? Where was I? :)

So things are on an even keel right now I guess. Have a meeting with the ex next week to exchange presents. I think that doing that closer to Christmas would definitely be much harder on my heart. I'm working through things, but man is this a slow process! Everyone tells me it will be OK but that's something I already know :)

Been continuing my gym visits so I'm feeling better about myself again. I can feel a little more muscle back in the body (I even already added 5 lbs. to my dumbell weight after the first week) and there _are_ a few cute guys around. I'm not necessarily interested in seeking out companionship at this time, but looking never killed anyone, huh? >:)

I'm looking for my next "great adventure" and I figure I'll start of with a mini adventure for now. I HAVE TO FIND A SOFA DAMNIT! LOL. Gawd. I was sitting on the floor with my dog in front of my fireplace (I turned it on for the first time yesterday) and was like thinking "Jesus...you need to get off your arse and find a sofa!".

Went to a couple of parties this past weekend. The first was a "Festivus" party to which we did the gift-exchange-game (where you can steal other people's stuff) and I thought I had made a pretty cool present. It was one of my art pieces that I called "Discopelli" because it was Kokopellis in glitter that were enameled. My friend JA felt bad because they kept bashing it and it was almost the worst gift except for this smelly cat that someone brought. But art is subjective and not everything you make as an artist is going to be absolutely loved. JA ended up taking it home because I had made it and they probably would have just thrown it away. That was really sweet of him.

The second party we went to was "Kristmas in Boyland" which was a benefit for YouthPride of Atlanta hosted at this amazing loft in East Atlanta. I almost moved into that area, but never found anything quite as amazing as what I found now given the restrictions of price and my baby Xena (my Boston Terrier).

The whole time it was like I was in a Zone because though I felt like I belonged in a way, it was also like I wasn't really there for some reason. Admittedly I had a few drinks in me and was in kind of a strange environment but I have no idea why that bothered me :) It's not like it had before!

I'm tired so I'm going to piddle around for an hour and then get the frell outta here. Heading to the gym hopefully because today is chest and arms day! (yay!)

The End of the Beginning

So. I've finally forced issues between me and the BF and we are broken up (again...so shush you snickering bitches :) for the final time. Lots was said, and I did the tacky thing and forced a conversation over the phone. There is only so much distance and odd feelings I can stand and I had reached my boiling point about a week before.

I'm sure he'll read this so I'm not going to say much more about it for fear of alienating my future friend (I felt he "strung me along" because he was concerned for a potential friendship) BUT this is for the best. We've been through too much not to be friends...but it will have to be later.

So onto other more pleasant things. I am back in my home gym (for now) and have been good about working out (actually have an appointment for myself in an hour and a half) for my crunches and my back of the arm muscles (their name escapes me at this point) and come this weekend I'll be joining LA Fitness and hiring a personal trainer. I've decided that will be my Festivus present to myself this year. I've always felt I'm a concieted twit so now is the time to match the outside with the inside LOL :) Plus, I have plenty of angst to offer additional fuel to my fire. With a potential softball tournament in January, I need to crank it up so that this year is MY year.

I played City of Heroes for like...four HOURS yesterday doing one of their extended mission sets. Had ALOT of fun :) I think I might try and do another one on Saturday...wake up early and play until the afternoon and then go Festivus shopping and get some more materials to make some artwork (soon to be featured on the website once I get batteries for my camera).

But...I need to go kick some villian ass before I workout so I'm off. Will update with the continuing adventures of the glow-go-boy soon!