Taking a Day

So I decided to take a day off to get some composure. It's not very professional when people at work ask you if you are OK and you start to cry when you say "I'm fine" like I almost did yesterday. Thankfully, they didn't pry into my problems.

I just have to laugh at how stubborn we both are.

I'm going to treat myself to Final Fantasy XII later today. Thank goodness I get paid tomorrow. :)

I'm going to try and make some extra Christmas Cash by selling some home made Christmas decorations that are little lights that look like presents. They are pretty cool and I think they are a very sellable product. It'll help me raise some funds for the Nintendo Wii that I really want.

Silence.

So I came home after a really rough day. I had to get my Mom to the airport, as I hugged her I said "I'm sorry" and I wanted to cry because as I turned around, I felt that I was really alone.

I asked David to come get the last of his stuff because well...isn't that what's in the script when you are kind of separated? I guess that came off the wrong way because he wouldn't give me my two weeks to regain my composure. It became a now or never offer. I knew I couldn't be objective about it all. I definitely would have frelled up the communication and knowing me, would have made things incredibly worse.

So not understanding what he was saying I'll claim the fault. I agree, it sounded like a more definitive "get the hell out" move, huh? Ugh...I wish I were wiser. Unfortunately, experience is often the only teacher.

I feel like a mirror that has been shattered. You can kind of see what the whole thing is supposed to look like, but its distorted. Thats my fault. I let myself get broken, though its like one a fault line...it can take a lot of pressure, but when it goes...look out! Tsunami.

On a more positive note, a buddy of mine may be hired (wish him some good Karma, everyone) at GT after he lost his job. I sent the job his way, talked with his new potential boss, etc.

Update:

I wish things were different than they turned out today. I can't sleep. Going to try and pop a pill. Isn't my horoscope for the day appropriate?

You still aren't sure which way the tides are going to carry you, especially now that you realize the oncoming waves of change are just another trick of apparent reality. Things aren't shifting as you had imagined. What is transforming, however, is your own inner world as you are flooded with new ideas. Act on the best ones and enjoy the ride.

Looking forward

So I'm finally eating. Depression is one hell of a diet people, but I wouldn't recommend it. I am totally going to laugh if I throw this lunch up though. I don't think I make a very pretty coalminer's daughter. I am looking forward to some quiet time. Just me, a few movies, a slew of books on my night table, and maybe a luscious cheesecake.

I laugh at myself because I am reading up on relationships (I probably should have done this BEFORE). I read this article and this other one. I thought they were mildly entertaining. I did the opposite of the first one and I won't be ready for the second for a couple of weeks I think. With so much information available now via the Internet, it's like a barrage of advice and second opinions. But when people are involved, there are no absolute truths. Life would be SO boring if there were ;)

Well my lunch is almost done, I have to try and get a little work done today. It's been kind of hard to focus. I just want to go out and get SMASHED...but that is not dealing with things. Just going to take it easy and recoup for awhile. Hang with friends. Hang out alone. Write lots of shit down. :)

Update

OH MY GOSH. I have GOT to get my little grubby hands on a Nintendo Wii. It looks like SO much fun! Hrm...I will get you my pretty...and your little wiimote too!

Sick.

I feel really sick today. I just want to throw up. David was pretty harsh to me yesterday, but I don't hate him for that. He's hurting just like I am. But I mean, who really wants perceived flaws pointed out to them? Although I really tried to listen to his complaints about some of my actions and tried to make adjustments.

I feel really empty today. I guess that's just me shutting down for a "reboot". Last time it took me two months. Tuesday, when Mom heads back home I think I am going to buy myself Final Fantasy XII (which I had been holding off on because I know that was one of the things David wanted to get me for Christmas). Maybe a little escape for awhile will be a good thing.

I'm really worried about him. I still love him...I probably always will. I am definitely DEFINITELY not going to be chasing anyone anytime soon. I'm too broken right now to be useful to anyone.

Update:

I think I just did the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. I told him I needed some space. I need some time to stabilize. I think he needs some time to stabilize. He told me when we were first going out that the time probably wasn't right to start a new relationship but I told him we would work through that. In the end I think he was right, unfortunately. He told me he doesn't believe there ever is a "right time" to start a relationship, but I think after this, he's wrong. I want to think that we might get back together at some point in the future whenever we're both a little more grounded. Stupid me huh? I want to see him happy and successful. I really do. But I can't do it for him. I can't push him to do what is needed to make that happen. I found out that only created additional conflict.

I told my friend Kyle (who will give it to me straight up when I'm wrong..I've known him the longest...our friendship is a really really funny story I don't remember if I covered before) that it really really sucks when the person you love wants to be with you, but it's still just not right. He told me he's sure that I made more than my share of mistakes (he knows me too well...that bitch ;) I told him I was accused of being selfish, which granted I definitely believe I can be, but Kyle said that really wouldn't be a word he would use to describe me. "Demanding perhaps...", he said. But I told him, "I never expect anything from anyone that I don't expect from myself" and he laughed and said, "Yeah, but you expect a hell of a lot from yourself. You've always been an overachiever and responsible almost to a fault." Maybe...but that's who I am. I have built what I perceive to be a pretty damn successful life. Kyle told me that he's seen me in love before (in college with my BF of 2 years) and that I tend to put myself on the back burner (which I did then and made the choice to do so again).

I feel I have sacrificed myself to a really uncomfortable point and I think my relationship paid the price of that one. It kind of built up over time and Mt. Vesuvius blew. I tried to communicate that escalating problem...or at least I'd like to believe I tried. I'm the first to admit, sometimes I'm not the best communicator (sometimes because I buried those feelings in the hope that things just improve magically...hoooo is that ever futile).

And I still feel like I want to throw up.

Done.

So...I think things are pretty much done with David. We got into an argument this holiday and things were said that probably won't be undone. Things had been rocky for awhile so I probably should feel all THAT surprised. Funny...I feel bad, but I also feel OK (after having a good walk and talk and then a good cry). I don't believe in airing that much dirty laundry (well...unless it's someone ELSE's haha) in my blog anymore. I think there's enough negativity around without me adding mine to the emotional blogosphere. I would like to thank everyone for being supportive or wishing us good luck.

I guess that some things just aren't meant to be. I think he needs someone I am not willing to be, and I need someone he either isn't ready to be or just may never be. That's not a good start...people shouldn't have to change to be together. That doesn't preclude evolving or learning about yourself though. I definitely learned a lot about myself over the past five months. Most of it will really help me become a better person, a stronger person, and the kind of person I should be. I can honestly say I finally learned a few important lessons in unselfishness.

I do wish him luck and happiness. I am sad that we couldn't find it together. I'm honestly a little bit scared but I know I'll make it through. I've done it before, I'll probably have to do it again. I know I can be strong, now I just have to put it into practice.

Back to Abnormal

*grin* So life has yet again settled back to normal (as normal as it gets when you boyfriend is crazy LOL). After some time apart and with a few of his stresses past us, we were able to talk about things and hopefully move past some of our previous problems. We're both strongly opinionated people and as one of my friends said recently, "If relationships were easy, everyone would be in one" :)

David's dog had puppies and there are two left. They ARE cute but I hope he doesn't want to keep one LOL :) Just for MY sanity in a way *grin*

But this past Friday my friend Mikey invited us to the Sugarland concert. I called David to try and get him to come, but he was a bit tired and had only cursory interest in Sugarland. When I arrived, I found out it was the Brooks and Dunn concert with OPENING by Sugarland. I wish I had known because he would have gone to THAT for sure (as he told me later).

I thought that the Sugarland portion was better than the Brooks and Dunn. I'm telling you the lead singer has the most FLAWLESS voice. It was definitely live without processing and she was ROCK solid. I highly recommend if you can get to see them, make the effort, pay the money, you won't be disappointed. I know I was converted into a fan!

So work is going OK...I made a blunder today and had to visit the "You are an idiot page" :) Luckily it didn't effect EVERYONE (and only lasted 5 minutes).

So my Mom is coming in for Thanksgiving this weekend (and will be with me for like a whoooole week!). This will be David and Mom's first meeting so it should be interesting. And throwing David's son into the mix should REALLY be interesting. We're all planning on having Thanksgiving dinner together. David is going to make the turkey, Mom is going to make the chicken and dumplings, and I'm going to try my hand at making a family recipe for stuffing. I need to go out and purchase all the food this week while I have time.

I have relinquished my post as my homeowner's assocation president. But I did accept Vice President. I think that I'll still have to do alot of work, but I can at least point people at the President now. Our new Treasurer seems to be quite willing to do the job and we have a returning board member to act as secretary. I have about 3 women interested in working with me on the architecture committee and they are all nice so I'm looking forward to this year.

I'm happy even though it's raining! Things are evening out and its about time for some real fun! And with Christmas around the corner...things should only get brighter (speaking of which, I have GOT to go out and purchase some new Christmas lights!).

One of the biggest questions coming up is *giggle* Wii or PS3? :) I may have to hold off on my "Christmas Present to Myself" this year but rest assured...at some point I WILL have BOTH! :)

Biting off more than you can chew

I have been pretty quiet regarding a few problems between David and I. I let some of his problems become my problems and by doing so, created even more problems. I was trying to help, but I just made myself crazy, angry, stressed, and depressed. Those feelings turned around and bled into my relationship with David which I feel is on very shaky ground right now. I only have myself to blame for that I guess. I feel like I tried too hard...gave more of myself than I guess I really have to even offer. Right now, I am not even sure who I am disappointed in. Lots of conflicting feelings. I just want to crawl into my bed. I felt really sick in my stomach this morning because I could feel something coming...

I feel like a failure. A failure to be the person he needs.

My winter begins to reign a little early...I guess all I can do now is hope for a little wind to move the clouds away and let the sun back in. Maybe also for a little forgiveness and definitely for alot of strength.

Update:

So we talked and there were things that shouldn't have been done and other things that should have been done on both parts. I feel better and things can get back into a positive light I think. We both said we were sorry and then proceeded to have our normal quirky conversation :) I can only hope that going through these things makes us stronger together. I did learn that I can't over do giving of myself. It'd be nice if there didn't have to be limits, but I think that maybe having some limits is a good thing. It avoids creating feelings of resentment which I apparently am not good at containing :) I think I tried to delude myself in many ways...and THAT is not healthy for either of us.